RD: Me²/Quotes
Holly: the opening monologue We have enough food to last 30,000 years, but we've only got one After Eight mint left, and everyone's too polite to take it. *'Cat:' a megaphone while on roller skates Hello, hello, testing, testing, one one one, me me me! Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available! Please form a queue. No squabbling. This is your lucky day. *'Cat:' his megaphone in the [[cinema] during the Mugs Murphy cartoon] SHUT UP! Lister: Will you stop doing that? Cat: I'm trying to watch the film! Lister: I'm only eatin'! Cat: No, eating's when food goes in your mouth! *'Holly:' the two attack fighters tracking Red Dwarf They're from Earth. Lister: That's 3 million years away. Holly: They're from the Norweb Federation. Lister: What's that? Holly: The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave. Lister: Me? Why? What for? Holly: For your crimes against humanity. Lister: You what? Holly: It seems when you left Earth, 3 million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen. Do you know what happens to sausages left unattended for 3 million years? Lister: Yeah, they go mouldy. Holly: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eights of the Earth's surface. Also, you left $£17.50 in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you've hoarded it for 3 million years, nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb. Lister: Why Norweb? Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for £180 billion. Lister: $£180 billion? You're kidding? Holly: a silly face mask April fool. *'Lister:' Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed? Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did, you did to pull me back and annoy me. Lister: Like what? Rimmer: Like using my Mother's photograph as an ashtray. Lister: I didn't know. I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo. Rimmer: Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable so instead of taking my engineering finals I went swimming. Lister: The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back in the right place. Rimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly. Lister: That was a joke. Rimmer: Yes, Lister. The same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery. *'Lister:' It's not only one-way, Rimmer. You're hardly Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Easy-To-Live-With. Rimmer: What are you talking about? Lister: I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night. "Learn Esperanto While You Sleep." "Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep." Rimmer: Oh come on, we both got the same benefit. Lister: Yeah. Neither of us got any sleep. *'Lister:' What about the time you tied my hair to the bed-post and then sounded the fire alarm? Rimmer: Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me. I don't have to explain it. Lister: I nearly needed brain surgery. Rimmer: What brains? *'Lister:' Why are they painting it the same colour it was before? Rimmer: They're changing it from Ocean Grey to Military Grey. Something that should've been done a long time ago. Lister: Looks exactly the same to me. Rimmer: No. No, no, no. (pointing at one section of the wall) That's the new Military Grey bit there, and that's the dowdy, old, nasty Ocean Grey bit there. (The two parts are indistinguishable) Or is it the other way around? *'Rimmer:' Lister, we don't have to take this anymore. We don't have to put up with your snidey remarks, your total slobbiness, your socks that set off the sprinkler system. *'Rimmer:' [[Cadmium II|his death] video] If you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister, he'd still be in Corsica peeling spuds. *'Lister:' in having the room to himself Ecstasy! We're talking mega ecstasy bliss! I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like! I'm a free man... And you see those socks? See 'em? They're going right where they belong, all over the floor where any self-respecting bachelor would keep 'em! I'm gonna have the bottom bunk, the big bunk! I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo. I'm gonna squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle! In fact I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack me knuckles, I'm gonna grind me teeth, I'm gonna live for a change! Hee-hee! (sniffs)....Aw, smeggin' hell... (puts socks back in their basket) *'Rimmer:' his hologram clone STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM! *'Lister:' like Eeny meeny miny moe to choose which Rimmer Ippy dippy my space shippy / on a course so true / past Neptune and Pluto's moon / the one I choose it you. *'Lister:' Yo, I didn't know you had any medals. What are they for? Rimmer: Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service... Twelve years long service. *'Lister:' Holly, give 'im a whiskey. Holly: How would you like it? Rimmer: Straight. With ice and lemonade, a cherry and a slice of lemon. *'Rimmer:' telling the story behind his last words "gazpacho soup" It was the greatest night of my life; I had been invited to the Captain's table. I had only been with the company FOURTEEN YEARS. Six officers and me... they called me "Arnold!" We had gazpacho soup for starters... I didn't know that gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot! So he did... the looks on their faces still haunt me today! I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup! I never ate at the Captain's table again. That was the end of my career. If only they'd mentioned it in basic training! Instead of having us climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels--if only just ONCE they would've mentioned that gazpacho soup was served cold--I would've been an admiral by now!...instead of a nothing, which is what I am, let's face it... I never got off the bottom rung, and do you know why? It's because I didn't have the right nobby parents! I'll bet Todhunter was fed gazpacho soup as soon as he was on solids! No, I'll bet he was breast-fed on it! One side gazpacho soup, the other side freely-dispensed chilled champagne! Category:Series I